Sunday, November 2, 2014

Are We Nearly There Yet?

I've spent my life on this journey, as we all have, and I can tell you that I'm more than ready to arrive somewhere already.

I read once that there is a time for 'doing' and a time for 'being'. Having finished the phenomenal task of over 3 years of IVF, three pregnancies, one late miscarriage, and all the while saving up enough money so that I could afford to enjoy my baby when she eventually arrived (whilst paying for IVF at the same time), I absolutely deserved a long period of 'being' rather than 'doing'.

Not that I've been idle for the past six years, there is obviously plenty of doing necessary when you are a single parent (especially when you are also an expat living a continent away from any family support). However, I enjoyed going through my savings thinking that I'd simply go back to work and earn like I did pre-motherhood. I started teaching again at some point but was shocked by the limited hours I had available even with great (and expensive) childcare. Besides that, I didn't want to have her in childcare from dawn till dusk every day. I wanted to be available for parties at the nursery, to be able to keep her at home if she were sick without stressing out about my job, to take her to the park and make friends, and to have time to cook real food, read stories and play games. In short, I wanted to live my life as a mother and bring up my daughter, not just organise babysitters to do it for me.

But now we are six (almost) and I've known for some months now that the time for doing has come around again. DD is in a good place, my doing for her has been consistent. I'm now talking about my doing for me. For us actually as living only two months ahead of the bank balance affects us both. So I made some inroads into new territories but stopped before anything big could happen.

I got a very good part-time job at a(nother - I already teach part-time at one college) prestigious teacher training college in Jerusalem but had to have my MA verified by the Ministry of Education. I got to the point of needing one more document from London University and stalled. I put my head in the sand and couldn't get past the procrastination. (Just this month I've sent the necessary emails but I'm still waiting to hear back).

I set myself up as domestic organizer (I will help you declutter your home and organize your life). No professional certification but I love making order out of chaos and I'm good at it. I got one client, I did their kitchen, and I never heard from them again. I sent a message on fb but no feedback whatsoever. I think I did a great job but now I'm wondering if I offended them in some way or maybe the dog died between me leaving the house and them returning to it? So I've avoided posting my services again.

I rent out my spare room to friends/family of friends/friends of friends who don't have room to host them but want something local and cheaper than hotel prices. No one came over the summer because of the war and since then I've not been advertising the room as I should.

If all these things were in place we'd be doing fine. So what is stopping me? I've read some self help stuff about letting grace into your life (you can't control everything so let the universe know what you want and let her help you) and the secret (visualizing the life you want). Both of these seem a bit passive to me. I once did a whole course on NLP (neurolinguistic programming) whereby you change your life paradigms, attitudes, and even your language to achieve success in anything. This is what life coaches use. I get the theory but you still need to tackle the procrastination problem which is a whole other issue.

Despite all this ostrich behaviour, things have started to shift in the past month. It's subtle but it's positive. I lost a stone in weight (14lbs) during October. This  was partly due to desperation about my escalating weight, partly the need to cut my supermarket bills in half and partly due to a kidney infection. Hey ho, whatever it takes. I did write those emails about my M.A. I did have one client for my decluttering services. I have picked up some editing work. As I said, it's subtle but something is happening.

Then today I had a cup of tea with my friend and neighbour, Aviva Belfer. Aviva has been on The Journey (not a journey - The Journey). Tomorrow I'll tell you about The Journey and about Aviva.
  

10 comments:

  1. I know exactly what you mean but is it procrastination or is it a confidence issue? I, too, as a single mum just turned 50 need to crank up the income, but having devoted myself to procuring then raising my sons, find the goal posts have moved re securing said work. I look forward to your follow up posts and light at the end of the tunnel. Having said that and having followed your blog through the endured atrocities in your country, I think being alive, healthy and hopeful in your situation is a tremendous achievement!

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    1. Than you. When it comes to housework it's definitely procrastination not a confidence issue. Also, I've kept up with teaching albeit part time so I'm still in the loop there. I think it's definitely procrastination for me. :(

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  2. Glad that things are finally happening for you xx

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  3. Wow! well done on the weight loss, that's very encouraging!!! Drink more water also - as well as being good for you it fills you up so you don't feel so hungry :) xx

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    1. Looking forward to seeing you next time you visit and showing off the weight loss. Come soon before I put it all back on again, LOL xxx

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  4. I think you do a really amazing job keeping it all together. I hope this new job comes together and all the paperwork just falls into place. Mich x

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    1. Thanks MIch, it's an uphill hike but we're getting there. xxx

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  5. Sounds to me like you're doing great. Fingers crossed with the new job and well done on your weight loss, and I love the idea of domestic organising - you should keep going with that :o). X

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  6. Well done on the stone - but sorry about the infection x

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