Friday, July 8, 2011

Unavailable And Not Sorry

I am an older mother. This means that most of my friends have teenagers or even grown-up children. And I am shocked at how quickly some of them have forgotten what it was like to have a toddler. I had a rather upsetting exchange of words with a friend this week when she accused me of distancing myself, not bothering to turn up to anything, shutting DD off from my community (how can you expect us to embrace her if you don't let us anywhere near her?), and generally falling short of any semblence of friendship.

I started to think about the implications of these accusations. Firstly, on reading the above you would think that I am shutting my daughter up at home, away from society. This is not the case. Although we don't tend to socialize so much in the circles I used to frequent, DD and I have a lovely community who we see regularly. Secondly, if we don't go somewhere it is because it is not convenient for a 2yo - not because I can't be bothered.

For 20 years before I had DD, I understood the restrictions of family life with young children. I was totally laid back and accommodating. I waited until everyone's children were bathed, fed, in bed, whatever, until a planned evening could begin. I cut short outings to be back in time for school pick-ups. I sat around the table with sticky-fingered, attention-grabbing, screaming babies. Luckily there were often other children around as most of my friends had kids about the same ages. The children would run off and play together and the adults did get some adult time. And if we didn't, we didn't. My friends' lives were also their children's lives and I understood.

Mostly our social life centres around Shabbat (Friday evenings and Saturdays). Many people prefer to socialize on Friday night and then relax on Saturday. Families with small children tend to make a bigger thing of Saturday lunch, for obvious reasons. My friends from 'before' no longer have young children. For DD I have necessarily been socializing with younger families so that a.) she has other children to play with, and b.) the hours are condusive to the life of a 2yo.

I choose not to take DD out in the evenings as she gets over-tired and hysterical (see Singlemum And The Seder Night). If she falls asleep in the buggy on the way home I have to wake her up to walk up three flights of stairs. It's no fun for anybody, least of all one exhausted and uncomfortable little girl who just wants to be in her bed by 8pm. That, coupled with the fact that I don't have money for babysitters at the moment or a partner to leave DD at home with, means that I see the wonderful friends who are willing to come round to me of an evening, for coffee or a glass of wine and a pizza.

As a single woman on my own I was always available. I could come early to help set up and stay late for the clearing away. I could drop everything and be anywhere at a moment's notice - and I frequently did/was. But now it's my turn to put my family first. How dare my friend expect me to fit in with events arranged for the convenience of her teenagers. How dare she not allow me the right to make decisions on how I bring up my daughter. How dare she have forgotten that I never once told her how to mother her children. How dare she think she has any authority over me and my life.

End of rant. Thank you very much.

16 comments:

  1. Oh God I read every word and I think you have been fair and a great friend. Now you are still being fair but a great mother too. Don't give in to the pressure and try and find a way of saying all this to her xxx

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  2. Thanks Liska. I did explain some of it to her and she understood, and we got past it. However, sometimes when it's all over you still find you are sitting with it on your chest. I think it's the unfairness of all those years of fitting in and not receiving the same respect.

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  3. I had this conversation with my OH the other day about family members who were expecting us to drive to Devon and all cram into one room with a 3 year old and a 10-month-old to attend a weekend wedding. We have to go, but it's going to be a total and utter nightmare for me and I'm dreading it. xx

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  4. That would be a nightmare! Since I have had my baby, my social life has totally changed. Luckily, a lot of my friends (I only have a small circle anyways) have their own children. We don't see each other as much, and I see the ones without children hardly at all. They seem to have fallen out of the circle. I am slowly gaining new ones, and they all have small chilren. I can't imagine trying to justify my new social hours to someone who thinks they know what they are talking about because they have older kids. I hate how free women feel to just spout off any old thing in your face or behind your back without stopping to consider if they sound reeeeally biotch-like.

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  5. Jax - I know, and you'll go anyway because you have to.... I hope you are pleasantly surprised.

    FBStuff - it's also amazing how some people assume that wa all have the same set of variables - so if they did it, why can't I? Infuriating!

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  6. Ah hon...I think you were heroic in the way you fitted in with other people's children when they were young...and you absolutely deserve to have that same consideration returned. Toddlers are difficult little beasts who have very specific needs which, for everyone's sanity, need to be met.
    Do what you need to do. People forget VERY quickly. :( xxxxxx

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  7. Yay!!! It let me post a comment! I am so excited, I shall leave another one! xxx

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  8. Hey jane! Others were also having problems so I changed to the pop-up window. This seems to work better.

    Someone wrote last week (sorry blogger-pal, I can't remember who) - I'm a mummy now, don't mess with me. I feel a bit like that, and I think my friend was shocked as she's used to me being 'available'. Hmm feels OK :)

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  9. I completely understand how you feel, and I am annoyed with your friend on your behalf.

    FYI, even when one does have a partner, and has younger children when friends' children are older, it isn't always easy. There are occasions when we are left off the planning list because our children are comparatively younger -- and therefore more hard work. This is, of course, regardless of the fact that others in the circle would shlep their offspring wherever and whenever in the past whether it was convenient/desirable or not for everyone else there. And this, in turn, on reflection, may well have contributed to the situation in which I sometimes find myself, that you describe so accurately and so eloquently. For some people, the world only exists as far as extends their personal space, and gentle (or even not-so-gentle) reminders that the situations of others sometimes differ are required exercises in democracy from time to time.

    Chin up!

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  10. Trollmamma - what can I say except, absolutely! Thanks for that.

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  11. We have had similar things with friends moving in different ways - in the end I have let relationships where there is no give and take gradually disappear

    True friends understand and accomodate, others just make life harder and its better to get rid of

    You are not the one being unreasonable here

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  12. I think you are right M Along. I have just about come to the conclusion that this one will probably peter out. It's a bit of a hsam ethough after so many years.

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  13. I think you are soooo right and have every right to rant.

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  14. I read your post and have found myself in similar situations of being totally flexible when younger but cannot be so now with a 6yr old. But it was your comment to another poster "I think it's the unfairness of all those years of fitting in and not receiving the same respect" which so resonated. I am so shocked by how old longterm friends can be so selfish. I will lose them and hope to replace with kinder new friends.

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  15. Thanks Nicola - in fact we have sort of drifted away from some friendships and into those more accepting of our needs. It has been a natural progression almost. Along with not phoning the insensitive ones :)

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