Monday, October 15, 2012

Lost Souls

Tonight's 100 Word Challenge from Julia (at Julia's Place where you can see all the other entries) came with the prompt: 

...it can't be that time...

I immediately thought that it can't be that time heals. I didn't even know what I meant by that. Then I saw a call from a friend on fb, a friend who suffered greatly as I know many women do. I don't remember suffering to be honest, although there was a certain amount of shock. However, I answered the call.



Two chemical pregnancies passed pregnancy tests but never achieved a pulse. One with a pulse lasted seven weeks. 

My twin girls were lost at five months. I didn't mourn them. I didn't look back. If you never lived you never were. I wanted a take-home baby.

A friend named her two tiny unborns and buried them. Tonight another friend invited mothers to light a memorial candle for all the lost souls. 

It can't be that time heals when there wasn't any suffering. It could't get any easier than, "I moved on." But I do think about my twin daughters sometimes. Tonight I lit a candle.




This was the call:




28 comments:

  1. Rachel - this is beautiful, poignant and perfect.
    I didn't know you lost twins. I will light a candle at 7.00pm US Eastern time. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks.I will be thinking about all the pregnancy and infant loss.
    Gilly

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Gilly. Did you find that afterwards everyone suddenly came out of the closet and told you about their own miscarriages? I think part of this meme is to make women aware of how common it is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Rachel I did hear many stories. It was comforting to hear other women had been through the same experience and to know they went on to have healthy full term babies. I also think if you have had a miscarriage before going onto full term that is extra hard because you don't know that you will be successful.
      Gilly

      Delete
    2. That's exactly how I felt. And you wonder how come you never knew that so many women had been through this before.

      Delete
  3. I didn't realise either Rachel, so sorry. Very poignant piece. I hope the candle lighting helped, sorry I missed it. I would have lit one for you and my mother who lost 6 babies :-(

    xx Jazzy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jazzy. In the end I brought home exactly the baby I wanted.

      Delete
  4. My mother had a miscarriage when I was young, and even though she had the two of us already, she suffered deeply. I was too young to understand or help. I'm glad you wrote about this. The dialogue is important so women who've gone through this don't feel so alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You put it perfectly. I think this is one of the major poionts, as well as to acknowledge what happened and remember the babies.

      Delete
  5. One can suffer over what might have been as well as what was. This is a beautifully written account of the bafflement of pain and I'm horrified to learn you lost twin girls.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I often think of what might have been but I honestly think things turned out in a way that was good.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I can't remember how many times I just read this - it took a while to sink in - very moving, and very poignant - grief has many faces - so sorry to hear you lost twin girls. XXX.

    ReplyDelete
  8. So sorry to hear about your twin girls. A lot of people still don;t talk about their miscarriages so there are even more people than we think. I would love to hear the rest of your IVF journey. So glad that it had a happy ending. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I've written about a lot of it here and you can read the posts by clicking on the tab - IVF - at the top. I'm still only half way through the story. Thank you cor your comments and yes, I was very lucky to have a happy ending.

    ReplyDelete
  10. A very poignant piece. We all have our own ways of dealing with it. I think keeping quiet might have been the best way for me.

    ReplyDelete
  11. A valid point Miriam. You are right, of course, there is a choice not to speak about it.

    ReplyDelete
  12. So sad to read, but such bravery in saying it. The mention of chemical pregnancies too...so important for some of us.

    I also really liked the way you changed the emphasis of the prompt. x

    ReplyDelete
  13. I agree, when you are trying to get pregnant a chemical pregnancy is a significant achievment.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Beautiful words. October 15th was definitely an eye opener - miscarriage is still almost a taboo topic in many places so it's easy to forget how often people have to go though it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. If you think about it, there's never a good or appropriate time to tell anyone unless they knew you were pregnant and then weren't.

    ReplyDelete
  16. his was a powerful read. A dramatically painful experience. You borught tose feelings to life with your words.
    Lovely,
    Isadora
    hope you'll stop by to read my entry - Mr. Linky is being very bad to me -
    http://insidethemindofisadora.wordpress.com/2012/10/18/100-word-challenge-my-nightmare/

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank you for your comment Isadora. I'm reading all the entries through the Linky.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I guess not everyone feels the same about an infant death. Our daughter died 30 years ago after living only 5 hours and it still affects us to this day. I'm glad you could move on. But still, you lit a candle? We moved on, but I do keep an urn on a shelf in the living room as a permanent reminder- as if I needed one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My friend had a still birth and it was very different from my miscarriage at five months. When you give birth to a baby who is expected to live and doesn't that must be devastating. At five months pregnant I hadn't yet made any arrangements or allowed myself to get excited about having the babies at home.

      Delete
  19. I never knew this about you. Oh my darling I am so very sorry and will give a moment to pay some respect to your girls. And their souls.
    Lots of love,
    Liska xx

    ReplyDelete