Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Ladies Who Lu...mpect 3 - Unexpectedly Elusive

Back in September 2011 I wrote: My good friend, DancingInTheRain, is a career woman, a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend to many, a writer, and a dancer. This was her story. Then DancingInTheRain continued her terrifying story in January of this year. You can read Part 2 here. So what other surprises does such an ordeal bring? Read on...


Latest step-by-step update:  Yeh!  All good.  Radiotherapy over.  Latest mammogram negative (good thing, remember?).  Visit to oncologist - no more treatments. Visit to breast surgeon – tick.   

The unexpectedly elusive lump (see LWL 2) was never actually found but those who understand these things agree that whatever it was must surely have been totally eliminated by those radiation rays.   Surely.   As it happens, as with the ‘step by step’ mantra, the ‘unexpectedly elusive’ seems to have become somewhat of a theme during this dance.  The elusive friend (the one who you thought was one of your very best friends but sort of disappeared when the going got tough – well at least in comparison to members of the Ladies Who Lumpect club), the elusive answer as to whether you ever really get rid of breast cancer or is it always lurking round the corner ready to pounce again when you at least expect it,  the elusive feeling of 'I'm trying not to be selfish especially when everyone is always doing their best to make sure I'm okay' when my 2 daughters and semi-adopted daughter have all gone off shopping leaving me all on my lonesome and there is the forever elusive ‘when things get back to normal again’.

I will expand slightly on just one of these ‘unexpectedly elusives’.  The unexpectedly elusive friend. (Midlife said ‘vent’ so I’m venting!)

In my first ‘’story’’ (Ladies Who Lumpect) I waxed lyrical about the camaraderie between all my 1 in 7s as well as the unmitigated support of friends and family.  A million thanks to everyone.  Old friends from the past have re-appeared, newer friends are suddenly always around and all-time friends are simply there non-stop – be it via phone, texting, email, personal facebook messages, home visits, hospital visits or a grand mix of the afore-mentioned.  By non-stop I mean if not every 2 days, then daily or even twice daily.  Certainly not elusive, that is, apart from one all-time ‘friend’ from the old country.  A ‘best’ friend since we were teenagers. 

We had married within a year of each other, ditto re: having kids.  It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that although we lived in different towns we more or less shared the last 30+ years.   Nowadays she lives only a 40 minute drive away, doesn’t work, has time and a car on her hands, a healthy relationship with husband and grown up children, financial independence and the means to go wherever she likes, whenever.

Yet she suddenly became unexpectedly elusive, every now and then showing a deep interest in all the intricate details but then forgetting to phone for what seemed like weeks compared to everyone else’s phone calls, despite hints from my loving hubby and even one sarcastic txt msg from yours truly after being somewhat taken aback when she said that she might visit when she had “nothing else on”.   I was totally devastated when, in response to my request for an explanation (in the form of a suggestion that we ‘’talk’’), she explained that she cannot cope with having me in her life anymore because I am unpredictable.  

My immediate gut reaction, you ask?  Well after recoiling from the kick, I yelled silently:  “I am the one with cancer and yet you whinge that you can’t cope with your life (if I am in it).”  What could I say in my defence?  That I am a ‘little’ tense? – definitely;  anxious? – undoubtedly;  emotional? – certainly;  selfish? - quite probably;  but ‘unpredictable’?  Maybe so.  But what could actually be more predictable than unpredictable behavior in someone diagnosed with breast cancer (especially someone who had just been told that her extra lump is still lost and a 3rd op might be on the cards)?  So I said nothing.  I walked away.  Out of the gates of the cemetery where we had met by chance to attend the memorial service for a mutual friend, exactly 30 days after he had died of cancer.

500 fantastic deeds performed by a whole host of fantastic friends and family should outweigh one shameful deed – so why does this still lie so heavy on my heart?  It’s the answer to that question that still eludes me.

Next oncologist’s check up – in 3 months time.  Current issues on the agenda - step-by-step back to normality for the rest of the family, while for me it’s step-by-step to building a new normality, a normality whose identity I am still seeking.  Normality – a new dance. 

11 comments:

  1. It's often surprising who will jump in to help when you need it.... and of course, there are always those you would have expected to be there, who are not. That's why groups of close friends evolve - sad sometimes and surprisingly nice at others. Good vent btw.

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    1. Thanks Midlife - and for your special support too.

      Actually, I thought this friend was in the group....

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  2. My friend has breast cancer grade 3 and is currently undergoing her chemo - we've known each other for 20 years there is NO way I would not phone her most days, visit once a week (we live 50 min drive away) and I have a toddler and 2 at primary. Sometimes you just have to cut lose old friends - I often have a clear out, a cull if you will - I have no time for people that only care for themselves and are unreliable. x

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    1. Thanks Natasha,

      You are right about cutting loose - but I still find it so unbelievable and upsetting that she would be so selfish. Just as you couldn't believe that you would act any differently to the way you are acting, I can't believe that she has acted the way she has.
      Cutting loose here though would only be emotionally because she has made the physical cut already.

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  3. Crikey. I'm not surprised you can't get over the appauling behavious of the so-called friend. I would be unbelivably hurt and fuming if I was in your place and a previously trusted friend had let me down so badly. Good look with your new dance, I hope the steps suit you and are easy to learn.

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    1. Thanks Ju - that's exactly how I feel.

      And I'm doing my best to learn the new steps....

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  4. So sad that you feel your friend has let you down. She obviously can't express her own feelings to you or to herself and that is sad too. My sister has terminal cancer and I've three other siblings and we are all dealing with the emotional and the practical help we can give her and her family in very different ways. I'm glad you are getting a lot of support from everyone else. I too would lament a lost friend though, perhaps one day just a text to your friend saying "I hope you are OK, I really miss you" will help. Stay positive x

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    1. Hi MumB,
      Thanks. Someone suggested to me that she is angry with me and can't cope because for 30 years I have been her 'rock' and I have suddenly let her down and finding fault with me (for being too unpredictable) 'legitimises' (to herself) her selfish behaviour. She has another friend to whom she has been her 'rock' for years - and as far as I am aware she was very supportive to her when she had cancer. So in this case I think she was just carrying on in her normal supportive role. It was suggested that in my case she couldn't cope with the role reversal issue - rather than having an issue about the cancer itself. (She's a real hyperchondriac (sp?) and loved discussing the ins and outs with me in great detail. She had queation after question about the treatments, my feelings, etc etc.) I feel like sending the text u syuggezsted but couldn't cope with a second rejection. And also - does she deserve one, after upsetting me so much when i was so ill? Maybe i should write what you said (which is true) but then add: guess what? i'm actually still alive. This would reassure her on the one hand that things are back to normal with me (me worrying about her) and b) the slight sarcasm would show that i'm not quite a doormat to be trod upon. But then that might be perceived as a sign of unpredictability wouldn't it? Catch 22.

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    2. Oh the role reversal issues sound so familiar and are more than probably right. Going by my own experiences, restored friendships never go back to 'normal' they start afresh with slightly changed rules. Sad to read that you are now both angry with each other, not nice but in fact you are still sharing! Follow your heart and hopefully it will tell you when the time is right to make the first move (you are the rock after all). Hug x

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  5. Hi Midlife,
    Pls thank Esther and Gillian for their supportive comments on facebook in my name (Dancing).
    Cheers x

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    1. Will do - and someone else asked me to pass on her support and say that she knows this behaviour so well from when her father had cancer.

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