Thursday, May 28, 2015

Slipping Through My Fingers?

Last week DD came home from school saying something about an outing this week. She didn't know any details because... "I didn't bother to listen because I knew there'd be an email."

Sure enough there was an email. The parents' committee had arranged an outing to the Jerusalem Fire Department, where one of the fathers works. It is tomorrow morning. We have to take them to the fire station at 9am and pick them up at 11.30. School finishes at noon on Fridays anyway so no lessons will be held.

DD: Well I'm not going to that. THAT doesn't interest me at all!

I didn't push it. We are entering the last month of the school year, there seems to be more homework all of a sudden (or is that just my perception?), it was 44 degrees C (111 F) in Jerusalem this week. We are tired and I'm picking my battles.

I put it out there on fb just to see what other mums thought about me letting her stay at home. Some understood while others were adamant that if I give DD a break in First Grade she will grow up to be an irresponsible adult with no committment to her work.

It's a very Israeli thing that all the children have to be the same, do the same, get the same. It's left over from the days when we were a strongly socialist country and everyone was a closet kibbutznik. It's total b***sh*t of course. Israel has one of the highest wealth gaps between the rich and poor in the western world. So I had to laugh when one mother suggested that if I allow DD to opt out of a Friday morning school outing that doesn't interest her, I would be encouraging a sense of entitlement. LOL, there are kids in this neighbourhood who opt out of a week at school in order to go skiing every year so I don't think missing a couple of hours at the local fire station is going to impress anybody.

I admit I was deliberately provocative when I said I'd let her skip her 'Tiyul Shnati' (big class trip that is usually a hike in the mountains somewhere) next year if she doesn't want to go, as she hated it so much this year. This is particularly shocking to Israelis as the tiyul shnati is the big bonding and socialization event of the year, and it promotes the compulsary love of the land and beautiful countryside. (Imo it's not beautiful - it's Mediterranean scrub and there is no countryside as I know it.)

Other mums, the British mums interestingly, said it's also not healthy to grow up thinking you have no control over your life and have to do what everyone else wants to do even if you hate it.

A few weeks ago DD's best friend was away for three days as her family went to Eilat. A lot of families go now because it's cheaper than in July and August and the climate more pleasant. Last week two out of the six children in DD's swimming lesson group were absent because they were taking a few days in Eilat. And a mother of one of my pupils told me he will be away next week. "We're going to Eilat," She sighed resignedly, "the kids so need to get away. They really need it."

Well my 6yo daughter, who is in school six days a week, five of them from 8 am till 4.30 and half day on Fridays, also needs some time off and we can't afford to go to Eilat. Anyway I can't take time off my work before August but actually we don't need to be in Eilat, she just needs not to have to get up for school once in a while.

The truth is that last weekend was a school holiday for Shavuot (Pentecost) and they had three days off. She went back on Tuesday, which is only half a day of lessons and the rest activities. On Wednesday she stayed home because the weather was 44 degrees C. and imo, that is too hot to go out. (NB I didn't tell them this on fb - I didn't dare. Even though it was her class teacher's day off so no maths or Hebrew. Even the teachers only have to go to school five days a week!) Today she went back to school and tomorrow is the outing.

DD came out of school at 4.30 today and said, "I told my teacher I'm not coming to the fire station and she said I have to go."
Me: "So are you going?"
DD: "I suppose I'll have to."
Me: "Good. When we get home I'll phone one of the parents and organise a lift for you."
DD: "No need. I arranged that Daria will take me because you don't have a car."

When I called Daria's mother to confirm this arrangement she said that Daria had already told her they were taking DD and bringing her home afterwards.

So this post is partly to describe how this whole amusing episode has left me wondering what my role is here as the mother. That Abba song springs to mind - Slipping Through My Fingers. She's only 6 for goodness' sake!

And also to open the topic of mental health days and whether children should be allowed to decline to go on a fun school trip if they don't want to go. What do you think? Luckily we don't get fined for being absent but how does it impact your decision (uk mums) knowing that you could get fined for giving your kid a break?


16 comments:

  1. There's lots to consider here - a whole blog post in itself! I am changing my mind about school as my parenting journey gets more complicated. I'm glad that the situation you are in has resolved itself and it sounds like your daughter is both decisive and resourceful.

    In the past I would have tried to enable my child to go on such a trip by making it more attractive in some way. But, as I have discovered, that does not work for all children.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I did tell her how much fun it would be - some of the other mothers on fb told me what they do there, but she wasn't interested. She is indeed very decisive, and it seems she's resourceful too.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My three are all grown up now but I remember a lot of school trips not being 'educational' at all. What would annoy me about your situation this week is that the schol expects you to deliver and collect your child from somewhere other than school. This is not always easy or possible for some parents. On the whole I think that children should assume that they have to join in school activities (I.e. during the school day) but as for the camping trip - no. At the end of the day, though, it's only one trip and not the end of the world if it is missed. Best not to make mountains out of molehills, life is too short.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have a point about taking them but Jerusalem is small and the fire station is about 15 minutes drive only. There are enough parents with carsto accommodate all the kids. And the teacher invited us to call her if we had a problem. Also, we get a class list with all the parents' contact details at the beginning of each year. So it's a bit different from the UK.

      Delete
  4. i agree 100% with the way both you and she handled it. no one should be forced on a tiyul. that just defeats the purpose. good job.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL, I don't know who you are TG but you're a woman after my own heart.

      Delete
  5. Reminds me of when she had to write that report about her tiyul shnati and couldn't decide whether to wrote what the teacher wanted to hear of his she really felt. You took it to FB and in the end DD figured it out herself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL, so true Netanya. Which is why I soetimes wonder if I'm bringing her up at all or if she's actually bringing herself up.

      Delete
  6. I think you made the right decision. But then again ultimately so did your daughter! She just went with what she was told she had to do, which is interesting. still think it's no harm to 'give in' on certain issues - you choose your battles as you rightly say. If a child takes a yard when you give them an inch on these issues then they may soon learn that staying home from school doesn't necessarily mean a free- day ;-) Even on genuine sick days in this house there is no online time until the school day has ended!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank Jazzy, and yes we do have our boundaries here too.

      Delete
  7. It *is* possible to raise kids as fully Israeli without them following the "herd"! I heard all the "scare stories" about the "damage" I was inflicting on my kids by choosing to homeschool and how they'd never fully integrate into Israeli society and I can tell you that it's all nonsense and they're growing up to be fine, independent-thinking individuals! And no, my oldest has no issues/problems with serving in the army after never being in a "misgeret"...!

    While homeschooling is not the right choice for many families, I agree with you completely about picking your battles and that missing an occasional day of school/activity is really not a problem in any way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I find the hysreria here about missing out on the group experience absolutely incredible. There have been opportunities I have missed because I was too scared of missing out on some group exerience - I wish I'd had more of an independent attitude sometimes.

      Delete
    2. Yes, in almost 25 years of living here, I still don't get it. And it's not just people who grew up on a kibbutz!
      Maybe it's because I grew up in a town where I was the odd one out for being Jewish, regardless of going to school, girl guides, etc. that I turned into someone who is not scared of being different in any context, and my poor kids have to suffer the consequences!
      I know I'm regarded (in some Israeli circles) as something of a weirdo, but that gives me full freedom and licence to do as I please, and I like that!!

      Delete
    3. I aspire to be an Israeli weirdo. Atm I think I'm just regareded as a trouble maker. :)

      Delete
  8. Oh goodness what a minefield. I think you have to use your own judgment and not worry about what others are saying. Re the school trips - they're quite bonding times and the kids look back on them fondly as a fun day out regardless of where they go. You have demonstrated good listening, compassion and flexibility - and she is reflecting those qualities back to you IMHO X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. In the end she had the most fantastic time. I'll remind her about it next time she doesn't want to go somewhere.

      Delete