Moral High-Grounders and Other Idiots 4: Facebook

You know the types... I REFUSE TO WASTE MY TIME GOSSIPING ON FACEBOOK and I DON'T WANT EVERYONE KNOWING MY PRIVATE BUSINESS or even... I'M A VERY PRIVATE PERSON, I DON'T HAVE A NEED TO TELL EVERYONE WHAT I'M DOING EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY. And perhaps the most damning comment from someone who only lurks... YES I SEE YOUR LITTLE SILLINESSES ON FACEBOOK. The last delivered with a condescending smile. Bitch!

I have some understanding of where they are coming from. Facebook is not quite 8 years old and I've only been on it for 3 1/2 years. I only joined because it was part of blogging, for sharing purposes. Before blogging I also resisted. What did I need it for? If I want to speak to someone I call or email them and they can do likewise. It didn't cross my mind to examine the cost of five phone calls versus telling five (or more) people your news for free and emails didn't seem as unsatisfactory for chatting as they are now. But back then I thought Facebook was only for announcing venues for drinks and other events.

Obviously they don't get it. If they had any idea how Facebook has helped me over the past few years as a single mother, a bread-winner, a home-owner, an expat, a teacher, a home-maker, a citizen, a neighbour, and a friend; they might not be quite so judgmental. And if they were prepared to be a bit more open-minded, they might discover a whole new quality of life. But I know how it is if you simply don't get how it works.

A glance and a bit of a read won't enlighten you much. Your wall and the casual user's newsfeed is not an accurate picture of Facebook. This page is like the playground outside school, it's the water-cooler at the office, it's the staff lounge or common room. It's where you share cute memes, jokes, casual comments, exclamations about what's going on in the news, and general alerts about the weather, pollution levels, internet privacy, new laws, health issues, etc... The latter can be interesting and very useful or less so - like the information shared at the water-cooler in fact.

It's also great for keeping in touch with old friends, acquaintances who you don't phone, and sharing family news. It's a modern version of the stack of Christmas/New Year cards but more environmentally friendly and free.

If you were to only see what I write on my wall you wouldn't know nuffin. All the important stuff happens in groups. I belong to a group of parents living in Jerusalem where we share parenting advice and information - invaluable for health, education, and kids' events, and great for arranging group outings in the summer. I also belong to larger a national parenting group. I belong to rooms for let and apartment swap groups as renting out my spare bedroom is an important source of income for me and swapping might be a great way for us to get a holiday we wouldn't otherwise afford.

I belong to an expat group, a living frugally in Israel group, a 'What's for Dinner?' group for great recipe ideas, a blacklist group so you know which businesses to avoid, vegetarian and vegan groups, a losing weight support group, a what's on in Jerusalem/Israel group, an employment group, an EFL teachers' group, a writers' group, and a buy/sell/swap group.

Not only has all this kept me sane and connected as a single mother who can't go out much in the evenings, it has kept me informed and allowed me to share my knowledge with others. It has saved me from missing many opportunities I wouldn't have known about. On a social level it has allowed me to console and/or support friends who might otherwise be suffering or celebrating alone.

You can set up a group for anything from an open group for wine enthusiasts to a closed group of select friends to see you through a significant time or event in your life (an illness, a wedding, a divorce, a new career, a difficult pregnancy, a loss).

One local mother who wanted her son to join one of my 'learning to read English' groups has told me more than once (in capitals) that she absolutely will not go on Facebook. I explained to her that I post openings and schedules on the Parents in Jerusalem Facebook group. "I'll give you my phone number," she said, "and you can text me." Umm no.

Then there is the friend who said, "I'm not on Facebook, could you tell me or email me anything that comes up in that group that you think I need to know?" Umm I charge $20 an hour for secretarial services.

A recent and new put-down for Facebook is that FACEBOOK IS FOR THE MIDDLE-AGED. ALL THE YOUNGSTERS ARE INTO SOMETHING ELSE ALREADY. Umm, yes what's your point? I am middle aged. What's more, I've spent some effort trying to avoid becoming friends with all my friends' children. I like my friends' children but they are not part of my chatterati.

You don't have to be on Facebook but you're not proving any moral or social superiority. Maybe next time someone tells me why they wouldn't touch Facebook with a barge pole I'll say, "I know what you mean, I wouldn't join a gym for the same reasons."

Disclaimer: Facebook has paid me nothing for this post however, I've paid them nothing either so we're quits. 

Library: Please Don't Enjoy The Books!



I started reading at an early age. - DD

Today's activity was walking to the local Children's English Library, choosing some interesting and colourful picture books, sitting in the air conditioning and reading the books together. We left home at 4pm in the cooling late-afternoon. We arrived at the library at 4.10pm and I expected to stay for about 40 minutes. We love books and some of the librarians are friends of mine. It's usually a lovely place to go - although I have never taken DD there before.

There were four other people in the library: two staff members, whom I know, working on a computer in one corner and discussing whatever it was they were working on. A teenage boy with a pile of books and earphones in his ears listening to I don't know what. And a librarian, who I don't know and have never seen before, sitting at the main desk covering new books with sticky-backed plastic. That was it apart from one woman who came in to browse for a few minutes and then left, and a family of three children who dropped off some books, asked a question and also left.

One of the computer ladies got up to show me where the picture books are and we had a short conversation in normal voices. I chose four books - one about a cat, one about the toilet (very topical for us at the  moment), one about a pesky fly, and one about, erm, can't remember. We went to sit at the little pre-schoolers' chairs and table in the opposite corner to the two people on the computer. DD chose the first book and I started to read it to her. I got a disapproving look from the librarian but I ignored it.

Then one of the computer people, the one I hadn't exchanged greetings with when we came in, looked up, smiled and waved to me. This is when I made a mistake. I admit I was wrong to have addressed a few words to her across the room. I know I should have gone over to say, 'hello.' As soon as I got a loud, 'shush!' from the librarian I apologised and went over to greet my friend.

After that it was downhill all the way. I was reading softly to DD but every so often she would point at one of the pictures and exclaim, 'cat!' or, 'cuppa tea!' And every time the librarian gave us another loud, 'shush!' At one point she told DD to look at her and she gave her a lecture (in Hebrew) about how we don't make a noise in the library. Funnily enough it went right over DD's 2 1/2 year old head. Really, who were we distrubing? The boy with the earphones? The two ladies on the computer who were talking anyway? Or maybe she couldn't concentrate on her sticky-backed plastic with the occasional delighted exclamation from a little girl enjoying the books. Silly me - I thought that was the point of the Children's Library.

Then I made my second mistake. DD's nose needed wiping and I opened my bag to get out the muslin. DD saw the little bag of crackers I had brought with us and she wanted one. So I gave her two small, dry crackers. The librarian came straight over to recite the no food, no eating regulations. Now I'm not stupid. I brought dry crackers and DD had two of them. They're not wet or sticky in any way and we weren't setting a bad example for other library users - because there weren't any. 

What would've/could've/should've happened was that DD could've eaten her two crackers and that would've been the end of it. Instead I had to try to take them away from her and she obviously resisted, loudly. At that point I decided that we were leaving. It was 4.20pm. When a grown up librarian insists on playing jobsworth with a 2 year old delighting in the books at the Children's Library, what is the point?

Unavailable And Not Sorry

I am an older mother. This means that most of my friends have teenagers or even grown-up children. And I am shocked at how quickly some of them have forgotten what it was like to have a toddler. I had a rather upsetting exchange of words with a friend this week when she accused me of distancing myself, not bothering to turn up to anything, shutting DD off from my community (how can you expect us to embrace her if you don't let us anywhere near her?), and generally falling short of any semblence of friendship.

I started to think about the implications of these accusations. Firstly, on reading the above you would think that I am shutting my daughter up at home, away from society. This is not the case. Although we don't tend to socialize so much in the circles I used to frequent, DD and I have a lovely community who we see regularly. Secondly, if we don't go somewhere it is because it is not convenient for a 2yo - not because I can't be bothered.

For 20 years before I had DD, I understood the restrictions of family life with young children. I was totally laid back and accommodating. I waited until everyone's children were bathed, fed, in bed, whatever, until a planned evening could begin. I cut short outings to be back in time for school pick-ups. I sat around the table with sticky-fingered, attention-grabbing, screaming babies. Luckily there were often other children around as most of my friends had kids about the same ages. The children would run off and play together and the adults did get some adult time. And if we didn't, we didn't. My friends' lives were also their children's lives and I understood.

Mostly our social life centres around Shabbat (Friday evenings and Saturdays). Many people prefer to socialize on Friday night and then relax on Saturday. Families with small children tend to make a bigger thing of Saturday lunch, for obvious reasons. My friends from 'before' no longer have young children. For DD I have necessarily been socializing with younger families so that a.) she has other children to play with, and b.) the hours are condusive to the life of a 2yo.

I choose not to take DD out in the evenings as she gets over-tired and hysterical (see Singlemum And The Seder Night). If she falls asleep in the buggy on the way home I have to wake her up to walk up three flights of stairs. It's no fun for anybody, least of all one exhausted and uncomfortable little girl who just wants to be in her bed by 8pm. That, coupled with the fact that I don't have money for babysitters at the moment or a partner to leave DD at home with, means that I see the wonderful friends who are willing to come round to me of an evening, for coffee or a glass of wine and a pizza.

As a single woman on my own I was always available. I could come early to help set up and stay late for the clearing away. I could drop everything and be anywhere at a moment's notice - and I frequently did/was. But now it's my turn to put my family first. How dare my friend expect me to fit in with events arranged for the convenience of her teenagers. How dare she not allow me the right to make decisions on how I bring up my daughter. How dare she have forgotten that I never once told her how to mother her children. How dare she think she has any authority over me and my life.

End of rant. Thank you very much.

Moral High-Grounders and Other Idiots 1: TV

Last summer in the park I overheard two mothers falling over themselves to show how much they restrict television viewing for their children.

Mum A: Actually I can't remember what she said because I was so amazed by Mum B.

Mum B: Our kids are allowed to watch one DVD on a Friday afternoon before Shabbat (we have half-day school on Fridays before the Sabbath). And only if they ask for it. That's it. And if they forget to ask, they've missed it for another week.

She looked so pleased with herself and I wasn't in the mood to enter a discussion about it, so I kept my mouth shut. But it left me wondering - what did she think she was achieving with this draconian TV law?

First a little background. I came from a home where the TV was on from when we got home from school until the last person went to bed around midnight, except for the half hour when we retreated into the kitchen for supper, en famille, around the table. Even I think this was too much.

No one was forced to sit in the lounge and watch it, but it was a temptation that had to be actively fought in order to do something else. It was so easy to say - I'll just watch this programme and then I'll go and work. Before you knew it, it was 10pm and who feels like starting work at 10pm?

My sister, and many of my friends say - no TV until homework is finished and instruments practised. This seems like a good balance and one I will probably adopt when DD is old enough to do homework (either from school or set by me) and music practise.

For now, the TV and I are bringing up DD together. I put it on in the morning so that I can rush around doing what I need to do before we leave for Nursery and work. After Nursery we generally go to the park, out for tea at friends' houses, or to the shops. When we come in it is time for bath and supper. Then the TV goes on until stories and bed.

We usually do puzzles or drawing while the TV is on in the background. So why do we need it? We probably don't but it is company for me while DD is engrossed in her puzzles or artwork, even though I may be helping her. And sometimes she needs to just relax and watch and not do anything. Don't 2 1//2 year olds deserve some down time too?

A friend from Perth, Australia , grew up with early morning runs and swims at the beach, tennis after school, boating at weekends, etc... Another friend from Manchester, UK, grew up hurrying home from school in the rain and watching all this outdoor life on TV. They once debated if either of them, as adults, were better off as a result of their childhood lifestyles. Both are hard-working,  intelligent, enjoy hobbies (some active), and have full lives. There was no definite conclusion.

Bottom line: do what is convenient for you and your family, whatever saves your sanity. However, do allow your children the time to do other activities (obligatory or voluntary) without having to fight the temptation of the TV. And most important: do it quietly whilst recognising that other families have different criteria (for me this means: no Daddy to take over in the evening and I need to get some things done in peace). Please don't stuff your smug rigidity down the throats of all the human mums at the park.