After The Fast - Dedicated To Ari Fuld z"l

Today was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. On this day like on no other day of the year, the whole country shuts down. All places of work (except for hospitals and the military) and entertainment are closed. The airport is closed. The streets are clear except for the occasional police patrol or an ambulance. Children who are not synagogue-goers take advantage of the lack of traffic and ride their bikes on the roads. I've written about it before.

After a long day of introspection, prayer, and atonement, we put the old year to rest. We contemplate how we can improve ourselves and our behaviour in the coming year.

There was a lot to think about today. Last week there was a tragic terrorist attack in a community nearby. Almost all my friends either knew Ari Fuld, a 45 year old father of four children, personally or knew someone close to him. For a while many years ago I was in a women's group with his mother. Jerusalem and indeed Israel, is like that. We are all connected.

Many of my friends said it made them appreciate the present. Ari's close friends urged everyone to be like Ari - a man of action, a doer. He was outspoken, yes, but for the truth. He was a teacher, a soldier, and a leader. CCTV footage shows that after he was stabbed and before collapsing, Ari ran after the terrorist and shot him as he was chasing his next victim, thereby saving her life and potentially more lives after that. His daughter quoted Ari at the funeral: "If your life is too comfortable you're doing it wrong."

There was much outpouring of grief. Facebook and newspaper comments inevitably got political. Some comments, both from the extreme left and the extreme right, were way out of order, imo. Emotions ran high. Moderates, in the middle of the road, tried to keep things calm and civil. Well if you can't stand in the middle of the road on Yom Kippur when can you?

At just after 7pm today the shofar (a hollowed out ram's horn) is blown for the last time and we finish introspecting and have to start doing. Of course we have to break our fast first. And then we should start as we mean to go on.

The first deed after Yom Kippur is traditionally to build your sukkah - a temporary booth in which to sleep and eat for the upcoming seven-day festival of Sukkot. As I sat at my computer tonight I could hear the bang bang bang of many hammers as a number of sukkot were being erected in the garden behind my building. 

I was at the computer and finished grading all my Summer Course papers to date. DD prepared her school bag for tomorrow, showered and washed her hair, and read a chapter of her book all without prompting, to show that she was already making good changes.

I will try to be more of a doer. I will stand up for the truth as I believe it. Neither agreeing with those on the extreme right nor the extreme left of most political and religious issues, but finding the middle road with the best possible outcome for the most people. I will continue to support strict security measures and harsh punishments for terrorists whilst not blaming every member of their race or religion.

In keeping with the words of Rabbi Zushya, I can never be an Ari Fuld, but I will try to be a better Rachel Selby.

Reinventing Yom Kippur Without The Middleman

Today was Yom Kippur - the Day of Atonement. I didn't go to shul (synagogue). For someone who comes from a very traditional (and sometimes orthodox) background, this is no small thing.

I felt guilty because I belong to a very small community that meets only for services on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur and its continuity relies on people turning up. Otoh, the community has evolved over the years with people moving away and new people joining every year. And they don't do it for me, they do it because it's important for them and they love the intimacy of a small community in someone's home. But I rsvped that we would be there and so I felt bad and I was too much of a coward to tell them that in the end I just didn't want to. 

I love parts of the services that involve uplifting singing of tunes that I've known my whole life. And the feeling of that final 'kaddish' at the very end and the long blast of the shofar when everyone has been without food or drink for 25+ hours and it's all over, is an amazing feeling of togetherness and achievement. 

But actually what did we achieve? For me the answer was that I lasted a whole day without sustenance and I managed to attend all the services throughout the day in full. Surely that's not what it's all about?

This year, after resisting it and distancing myself for a few years, I decided to follow my heart. In previous years I've had the excuse that DD gets bored and a bored DD prevents me from having any sort of meaningful prayer experience. But I had a place to leave her this year and anyway there are other children at the shul for her to go off and play with. Otoh, at almost nine, it's not a matter of finding her somewhere to be with other children to play with. She doesn't want to be out all day playing. For some of the time, yes, but she has things to do at home and she also needs her personal time. 

I have a problem with orthodox prayer in that the women basically go to watch. I didn't always mind about this as it meant I had it easy. I never had to learn the prayers or worry about being called upon to do something I couldn't do or hadn't practised. In recent years, however, I have felt differently. Yes women are supposed to pray but as they are not counted in the minyan (the quorum) and they sit at the back or in a viewing gallery upstairs, they might as well stay at home. I have no problem with the men going to do their thing but I don't need to be there to watch them. In recent years many modern orthodox communities have made carefully considered gestures to give women more participation in the services. I appreciate that in Judaism it's extremely hard to make changes but. (Nothing else, just but.)

Of course there are gender-egalitarian services that I could go to. So let's examine the nature of the services. The prayers are all in a book and everyone has the same book. You start at the beginning and you read, chant, sing, follow silently, stand, sit, bow, face eastwards, and generally choreograph your way through to the end in unison with the whole congregation. It's all prescribed, there is a lot of repetition within each service, and you do the exact same thing every week or year depending on whether it's a weekly Shabbat or a yearly festival service.

At the end of each service I used to feel virtuous because I'd gone to shul and that was the 'good' thing to do. Nowadays I'm left with a feeling of, "I didn't get to say anything I wanted to say." You can try tuning out to do your own introspection but you sort of have to keep one ear tuned in so that you join in with choreography. If you just sit there it's considered rude. Or ignorant. Or, worse, blasphemous. In a large shul you can get away with sitting at the back in a corner and reading your own book. I know some people do this for parts of the service they consider less important. But guess what? I can read at home. 

There are alternative services near me where they allot times in the service for private meditation and thought. This is nice because you get the community togetherness and time for your personal prayers. However, I decided to ditch the prescribed prayers altogether this year and explore my own relationship with God and atonement. 

It's not about being less Jewish. It's about being more meaningfully Jewish. It's about having a direct relationship with God rather than going through the rabbis. I admire the rabbis for their learned knowledge of the Bible and the ancient laws, just as I admire doctors for their learned knowledge of medical science. Much as your doctor will advise you towards better health, the rabbis also teach us that we have freedom of choice. Ironically the orthodox rabbis then proclaim that if you choose to do it their way you will be rewarded for the good, but if you choose a different way, you are wrong. I'm just not on that page anymore. 

This Yom Kippur I cut out the middleman and I spoke to God myself. I repented and atoned and I prayed for Israel and Jews everywhere and humanity in general. I sat on my balcony and thought deeply about a better approach to the year ahead and asked that I may be written in the Book of Life in order to carry through my good intentions. It was good.

Cleansing The Soul - R2BC

Here are my Reasons 2B Cheerful for this week. As usual I'm joining the R2BC linky with Michelle on Mummy from the Heart.

The moon over Jerusalem one night in August

1
Cleansing the soul
It's Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) tomorrow evening and all day Saturday. Lots of praying and self-reflecting, and general cleansing of the soul for the coming year. I love it that the day after Yom Kippur is Sunday 1st October - what a great date for starting everything afresh.

2
Wadi Qilt again
DD  has been invited to go to Wadi Qilt again tomorrow as there is no school. I didn't have to accept for her this time as she loved it last week and has been asking when she can go back. Once again she gets a fun day out and I get time to get things done.

3
Shutting Down
My summer course is finally finally coming to an end and we are being strict this year - after a few extension periods of course. I have warned the students that I will be shutting down the website for this course on Tuesday. I did it for last year's Year Course at the end of August (official final date was June 30th). So for the first time in seven years I will only be grading papers for one course when the new semester starts on October 15th.

4
Book Vs Film
We finished reading The Railway Children. DD read the last few pages to me as I couldn't see the page through my tears. We then had a grand viewing of the film on dvd. I have always loved that film since seeing it as a child and I've watched it a million times since - but not for a few years and not after reading the book. We were both a bit disappointed. As usual, the book had far more in it than did the film.

Having said that, the films do have added value in that it's wonderful to see the magnificent locomotives, the scenery, the costumes, and the magic, in the case of Harry Potter. So we forgive the films and enjoy them anyway.

I Heard Him In My Heart

Today was Yom Kippur. The Day of Atonement.We fast, we say sorry for anything that needs apologising for, we pray to be written in the Book of Life for another year.

DD has been learning about it in school obviously.

Yesterday afternoon I lay down on my bed for a rest while DD was playing in her room. Suddenly I heard: "Elohim! Elohim! Are you there?"

She carried on speakng but I couldn't hear what she was saying other than, "my mummy" once.

Later I tried to talk to her about it.

Me: You know today is a very special day.
DD (impatiently) : Yes I know, we don't eat and we don't use electricity, and things. But you don't have to do all of it. (She goes to a very open-minded school.)
Me: Right, and we won't do all of it but it's also special because you can talk to Elohim today.
DD (totally embarrassed, going bright red and twisting her face into a trying-not-to-smile grimace) : I DIDN'T! I DID NOT DO THAT!

I left it. However in bed that night I tried again.

Me: You know you can speak to Elohim today and say sorry for anything you need to say sorry for. And you can ask Him to help you be better and also to help other people.
DD: Well other people can ask for themselves.
Me: If they are too ill to speak or too sad to ask, then we can ask Elohim to help them get better. But you can also ask for what you want and He'll answer you.
DD: He did answer me.
Me: Really?
DD: Yes I heard him.
Me: Really?
DD: Yes. Not like a person. I heard Him in my heart.

#TheGallery - 8pm

I missed last week's Gallery which was called 'breakfast' although I have posted a picture of my breakfast in recent weeks. And last year there was a Gallery theme called 'morning' and I did that one too. This week the Gallery theme is '8pm'. I had to wait until 8pm tonight to take this one as it was Yom Kippur today so no photography since sundown last night. There was also no nursery and nothing open to go and visit (unless you're a 3yo who loves to visit synagogues) so we spent most of the day at home. I would have spent more time outdoors with DD on her scooter enjoying, along with loads of other kids, the fact there are no cars on the roads today. However, it was more than 31 degrees and I was fasting (as one does). Whatever... 8pm came and DD went out like a light. :o) What a great way to start the year!

PS. I promise to tidy up first thing in the morning. (Not such a great way to start the year...)

An Angel In Pink

The Gallery theme this week is colour and Tara suggested we choose one from the great outdoors. In England they are enjoying an Indian Summer - hot days against an autumnal backdrop. Here in Israel the weather is, at last, getting cooler. We have already turned the clocks back so it gets dark earlier. And we are in the middle of the New Year (Rosh Hashana) and Atonement (Kippur) holidays. The ten days between the two are called the Days of Awe. Days of reflection and resolutions. Days of repentence and forgiveness. Days that we hope will end with us being inscribed in the book of life for another year. I took this photo from my balcony. It's yellow, orange, pink and blue. You may not be able to see it, but there seems to be an angel watching over us.

Go over to Sticky Fingers to see  more Gallery posts and a riot of colour.