A Woman In Her Forties

That's me, a woman in her 40s. I'm trying to savour the moments which is quite hard with a 3yo who won't go to sleep and keeps calling out very important questions from the next room. In just over three hours time I'll be a woman in her 50s. It doesn't matter how much I savour and dwell on being 49, it's going to pass and there's nothing I can do about it.

So what? It's just a number? True, but it's a significant one. There's a bigger difference between being in your 40s and in your 50s than there is between 20s, 30s and 40s I think. Twenties to 40s are all getting married, building families, establishing careers (some earlier some later). In your fifties you are not having any more babies (not that I wanted to), you are a mere 10 years away from the retirement 60s (even though the age of retirement will be 67 by the time I get there), most of your friends are organising weddings for their children and becoming grandparents (which is a good thing). You see how I've contradicted every moan about the 50s? So what is it that is so heavy about tonight?

I'm probably more than half way through my life. I'm not old but I am no longer a young woman with my whole life stretching out before me full of endless possibilities. On the other hand I have far more now than I did when I turned 40.

My daughter has fallen asleep finally in her own bed in our own home. I have work to do because my career as a teacher requires work at home, as do most careers. And when I'm turning 70 I'll probably look back on this night with amusement and wistfulness.

Generally I like the zero years. The nines are tough - 29, 39, 49 - because I feel the pressure to achieve everything I ever aspired to before my decade is out. Twenty and 30 had big fat zeroes at the end of the number like a clean slate. Ten years ahead of me to do it all. Forty was harder because it was the beginning of the end of 'young enough' adulthood and I hadn't yet done very much of 'it all.' I'm hoping 50 will bring the zero effect with it once more. I won't know until tomorrow morning whether it will or not - I'll let you know.

Dammit, I'm a young mother! I don't feel middle aged!

Goodnight,
Rachel (aged 49 364.9/365)