There are a lot of things in this life that give you status - academic qualifications, speaking a foreign language, being married, being a parent, number of children, your job or career, wealth, your house, your car, your smart phone (tablet, etc), beauty, who you know (admit it), outstanding talent, popularity, being funny, being well-read or widely knowledgeable (or being able to fake it), playing a musical instrument (smart phones don't count), playing sport (not wii sport, real sport) or doing athletics of any kind, being slim (sad but true), etc, etc. I'm sure you can think of more.
I am not married but I have a few of the other status markers you see above. I won't list them but they are enough for me to feel confident and worthwhile among my peers, colleagues and students. Or so I thought.
In Israel, in order to get any first Degree you need to reach a certain level in English. This includes reading academic articles. Reading academic articles in a foreign language!? Unless it's about a subject you have a passion for, reading academic articles in your first language is tough enough. For many students, English is the thing they most fear in higher education. It is the biggest obstacle to graduating for them. Obviously they hate it.
I teach in an all women's Teacher Training College which largely caters to the religiously orthodox. Not ultra-orthodox but very traditionally orthodox nonetheless. For example, most of the students get engaged and married during the first year of studies. In the second year most of the students have their hair covered and many are pregnant. By the third year there are babies in childcare or being quietly fed at the back of the classroom.
Today I met with a student who had to present her final project to me in order to pass the final course in English. She isn't even a student anymore. She finished all her courses last year and was given an additional semester to complete the English requirement. And she fought it all the way. I won't go into details but as the personification of her suffering, I was not her favourite teacher in the college.
As I was rushing out of my apartment to get to college on time for our meeting, I suddenly stopped at the door. Then I ran back into my bedroom, grabbed my late aunt's wedding ring (which my cousin gave me for DD as she is the only girl in the family among the male cousins of her generation), and placed it firmly on my left ring finger. Then I ran off to meet my student.
I knew exactly what I was doing. I was feeling nervous - not so much of the student but of my ability to leave my ego at the door and be generous in my assessment. What I'm not sure about is why I did this.
The meeting went much better than expected. The student was more relaxed for having got to the end of the course requirements and we chatted a bit first to establish a nice atmosphere. I even enjoyed it. She passed and went away overjoyed.
I don't know if she noticed my 'wedding ring' at all.
As a single mum with a partner who is not the father of her child I also do things like this at times! I gloss over not being married or that my partner is not the bio father of my DD. Depends on how secure I am feeling and if I am feeling strong or not that day.
ReplyDeleteI can understand why you would do this sometimes - sometimes it's just easier not to invite complicated questions I assume as well as not having to deal with 'opinions'. But in this day and age, when I more often get complimentary reactions to my single motherhood status, and as I'll never see this student again - I am surprised by my action.
DeletePerhaps you could wear a ring on every finger and let others assume whatever they want to?
ReplyDeleteThat is what I usually do - not every finger but I do wear lots of rings, including on my left ring finger, and this usually confuses things enough that I don't think about it. Today I hadn't put on my rings but I've never done what I did today before.
ReplyDeleteGosh - that was interesting! Sometimes, as you say, we do things without understanding why we do them - it's so spur of the moment. Maybe unconsciously you felt pressured (from society) to project a particular status, especially given all the married mothers on the course you teach??? If I was from another country, I don't think I would like learning English - it's not an easy one to learn!
ReplyDeleteI usually don't feel any pressure like that - I have my daughter and I am a mother, that is enough to make me feel equal to anyone. On this occasion it may have been this particular student's strong and vocal opposition to the whole situation that made me feel I needed all the extra status I could muster.
DeleteI like that explanation Tesyaa. I think there is a lot of truth in it too - if she had decided to hate me before we even started I didn't want her to add 'sad old spinster' to her list of reasons why I am (in her eyes) inferior, bitter maybe and/or perhaps even jealous of her (she is married btw).
DeleteLove MumB's reply... We shouldn't need to prove anything to anyone but ourselves, but sometimes it's hard to remember that. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd why is it necessary sometimes - in the most unexpected circumstances (I'll never see this student again) whereas mostly it's not even an issue? I think it may have been in case I had to exert my authority and needed to extra status to give me strength. It's taken me all day to realize this.
DeleteWhether the ring helped you feel more confident or made your student feel more secure, then it did the trick! You didn't lie any more than I do by dying my hair to cover the grey, or taking my nose ring out when I go to work!
ReplyDeleteInteresting - I also colour my hair which could be a form of status dishonesty as well, but none of think it is.
DeleteI do not think you'sinned' but rather avoided a prejudiced view of yourself made by a VERY young and immature girl.
ReplyDeleteI think it is perfectly justified and in this case you had to prove yourself professionally only .
I can think of far far worse 'sins'.
Agreed Chavi, although it has to be stressed that it was a potential prejudiced view projected by me onto - yes she is young - the student. I wouldn't like to assume that it would even have crossed her mind. The point is that I thought it might be a strike against me if she were feeling belligerent, which she wasn't. Does that make sense?
DeleteRight or wrong I have no doubt that there are plenty of other situations where donning a 'wedding' ring can diffuse or influence a situation. It's other people's perceptions at the end of the day. use it to your advantage I say!
ReplyDeleteI also say you can add great teacher to your list of confidence boosting status'!
xx Jazzy
Thanks Jazzy - I agree about the first point and am flattered by the second. :)
ReplyDeleteI think its understandable given your description of the students and their lives - you don't need the added hassle of gossip. We got married after our 2 children and I have to say I regularly felt the shame of not being married. I live in London so its no big deal but it was to me. I hated being called Mrs A when I wasn't technically equally hated being called Miss S which was technically correct. The nail in the coffin was when the BA stewardess asked what my relationship to the child I was travelling with - my son and at the doctors when the receptionist said very loudly so you're X and your daughter is X and oh for goodness sake! Sometimes its just easier to be married! x
ReplyDeleteMy sister, who is/was married but kept her maiden name, found it to be a problem if the school called her at work because one of the children was ill. They would ask for Mrs D but she was Ms S so no one knew who they wanted. Of course we all have our own personal phones now so that problem is obsolete.
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