There's a meme going around whereby you answer questions set by the person who tagged you. I was tagged by Candi at Looking for Blue Sky but, as luck would have it, the same week a friend asked me to answer some questions about being a single mother for a presentation she's giving next month. So I'm answering these questions instead but thank you Candi for the tag.
What is your name? Rachel, blogging about this very subject at http://midlifesinglemum.blogspot.com
What is your child's name? Adiele
How old are they? 6
How old were you when you had them? 46
What are your hopes and dreams for your kids? The same as every parent I imagine - that she should be happy, healthy, fulfilled, and surrounded by loving family and good friends her entire life.
Why did you decide to take this route? I was entering my 40s, single, and facing the possibility that I would never be a Mummy. This was unacceptable to me and more than a bit scary.
How did people react to your decision? Most people understood me completely and were very positive and supportive. A couple of single women just a few years older than me said they'd wished they'd done it themselves but it hadn't been as accepted, available, or as successful even 10 years before. Interestingly it was the most religious women who were the happiest for me that I was pursuing this option as they totally got it about being a mother. Actually that's perhaps not so surprising on reflection. A few single men expressed regret that they didn't have the same option.
Others, also interestingly all of them women who already had children of their own and therefore never faced the prospect of being childless, were anti: it's selfish (not sure why it's any more selfish than two adults wanting a baby), it's irresponsible, you won't be able to cope, it's not fair on the child, you don't understand how hard it will be, etc... I had a very simple response to this. These people were dropped from my life at least until after Adiele was born. Then some of them came back but tbh, it was never the same relationship.
Who and how have people surprised you along your single mother by choice journey? The only surprise was how many other people were going this route or already had. Even more surprising were the women who'd done it 20 or 30 years ago (mostly without the IVF).
What have you learned along this journey? Getting pregnant and staying pregnant isn't so easy this side of 40 - I though it would be easier. You can't control everything so it's best to be laid back and fit in the 'procedures' around your regular life whilst just going with the flow (no pun intended). It took me four years from my initial meeting at the IVF clinic to bringing home my daughter. And when you have your baby you realize that the end goal of IVF and everything before the birth was nothing. Motherhood is where it all begins.
What would you advise someone thinking about it today? The best piece of advice I got was from my family doctor who said just do it. Don't think about it too much or you'll scare yourself out of it.
From the other side and six years on, I admit that there were difficult times - scarily low finances, day after day of baby/toddler routine with no promise of adult company at the end of the day (thank goodness for facebook), being torn three ways between needing to work for money, do household tasks and entertain your child, and putting your own social life almost completely on hold until you can afford babysitters or your child is old enough for sleepovers. But it all passes. Now we are 6 everything is a lot easier and, for me, a lot more fun.
For those with modest careers and no trust fund, the biggest fear seems to be one of finances, and rightly so. However, I believe that there is no such thing as not being able to afford one child if you want to be a mother. The question is how much you want it. Do you want it enough to move to a cheaper area, live a much more frugal life, change your career rather than be bankrupt by childcare fees, give up your car, etc, etc. I wanted to be a mother above all else so the choice for me was an easy one.
Do you have any regrets? No
What is your name? Rachel, blogging about this very subject at http://midlifesinglemum.blogspot.com
What is your child's name? Adiele
How old are they? 6
How old were you when you had them? 46
What are your hopes and dreams for your kids? The same as every parent I imagine - that she should be happy, healthy, fulfilled, and surrounded by loving family and good friends her entire life.
Why did you decide to take this route? I was entering my 40s, single, and facing the possibility that I would never be a Mummy. This was unacceptable to me and more than a bit scary.
How did people react to your decision? Most people understood me completely and were very positive and supportive. A couple of single women just a few years older than me said they'd wished they'd done it themselves but it hadn't been as accepted, available, or as successful even 10 years before. Interestingly it was the most religious women who were the happiest for me that I was pursuing this option as they totally got it about being a mother. Actually that's perhaps not so surprising on reflection. A few single men expressed regret that they didn't have the same option.
Others, also interestingly all of them women who already had children of their own and therefore never faced the prospect of being childless, were anti: it's selfish (not sure why it's any more selfish than two adults wanting a baby), it's irresponsible, you won't be able to cope, it's not fair on the child, you don't understand how hard it will be, etc... I had a very simple response to this. These people were dropped from my life at least until after Adiele was born. Then some of them came back but tbh, it was never the same relationship.
Who and how have people surprised you along your single mother by choice journey? The only surprise was how many other people were going this route or already had. Even more surprising were the women who'd done it 20 or 30 years ago (mostly without the IVF).
What have you learned along this journey? Getting pregnant and staying pregnant isn't so easy this side of 40 - I though it would be easier. You can't control everything so it's best to be laid back and fit in the 'procedures' around your regular life whilst just going with the flow (no pun intended). It took me four years from my initial meeting at the IVF clinic to bringing home my daughter. And when you have your baby you realize that the end goal of IVF and everything before the birth was nothing. Motherhood is where it all begins.
What would you advise someone thinking about it today? The best piece of advice I got was from my family doctor who said just do it. Don't think about it too much or you'll scare yourself out of it.
From the other side and six years on, I admit that there were difficult times - scarily low finances, day after day of baby/toddler routine with no promise of adult company at the end of the day (thank goodness for facebook), being torn three ways between needing to work for money, do household tasks and entertain your child, and putting your own social life almost completely on hold until you can afford babysitters or your child is old enough for sleepovers. But it all passes. Now we are 6 everything is a lot easier and, for me, a lot more fun.
For those with modest careers and no trust fund, the biggest fear seems to be one of finances, and rightly so. However, I believe that there is no such thing as not being able to afford one child if you want to be a mother. The question is how much you want it. Do you want it enough to move to a cheaper area, live a much more frugal life, change your career rather than be bankrupt by childcare fees, give up your car, etc, etc. I wanted to be a mother above all else so the choice for me was an easy one.
Do you have any regrets? No
Well I am a mother and I totally applaud you for doing what you did, both for yourself and now for raising awareness of this option. I'm sure that I would have taken it if I had not married and I'm glad that it is there for my daughter in case she needs it x
ReplyDeleteThanks Candi, I've editted the post slightly because someone else pointed out to me that it could read like all other mothers were anti whereas I meant that all the anti people happened to be mothers already.
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty, advice and passion for motherhood. Many of us raising children with a partner could learn a lot! X
ReplyDeleteThank you but don't come round unannounced when there are no clean clothes for school, no healthy food for packed snack, and I'm shouting at DD to get up and get moving.....
DeleteI'm both in awe of and delighted for you in taking this route. There are those who argue that if it's not meant to be, or not God's will, then that's how it should be.
ReplyDeleteBut... I'd ask them to just luck at your gorgeous Adiele and at how much you clearly dote on her and are such a great Mother to her. Your love for each other shines through. Is that not how it is also meant to be? xxx
I'm a firm believer that whatever happens, it's how it is meant to be - even if it's hard. Of course I also believe that we have a big influence on how it's meant to be in our own live. Thanks for your lovely words Jazzy. xxx
DeleteLoved this post. It will give hope to many others too! :)
ReplyDeleteI hope it will Emma. Thanks.
DeleteOh I love this post. It is so so lovely to read more about your story and hear the few bits that I did not already know. As I am 41 and yet to have my 2nd I am delighted to hear that you had your little lady at 46. You are always so energetic I don't know how you do it, but it is all in your outlook I guess. I hope I find the energy to have my second xxx
ReplyDeleteIf you really do want another child you need to do it now. I'm serious, it's not so easy this side of 40. It might be different if you've had one already as your body knows what to do but I wouldn't risk waiting too long. xxx
DeleteI loved this post too. Although married at the start, I raised three children from ages 3,4 and 6 alone despite an ex-husband actively trying to prove what a failure I'd be, and giving no financial support. On the down side, you might raise a daughter like mine who blamed you for all her 'deprivations' instead of valuing the advantages (and we had many) of our life, and the contact always kept with the grandparents and aunts and uncles on both sides, despite their father's whimsical absences (up to three years at a time). Still, he made good in the end and bought her a new car, thus proving himself in her eyes. Fair enough. (heavy sarcasm) How could I live up to that, afterall, I wonder!
ReplyDeleteI suppose one advantage we have is that an absent father can't come in and be the 'good' parent when he feels like it. I'm sure your daughter will understand the realities one day - probably when she had kids of her own. Thank you for commenting.
DeleteThank you so much for sharing such a raw and honest post. I would like to appreciate your inspired post. You are very strong woman.
ReplyDelete